Once upon a time there lived a girl. Her name was Red Cap.
 
Actually, nobody called her that, for the simple reason that nobody ever saw her wearing such a cap. And it was, probably, the only kind of garment she wasn’t seen in.
 
Not that she wasn’t called names at all. Gas princess, Julja the Pretzel-head, or even Julja the Louis Vuitton were among others. So it is obvious that we should call her Red Cap and nothing else.
 
Red Cap lived in the forest. There were many interesting and delicious things in that forest. In the morning a man, a woman, or a child, carring a basket with him or her, went into woods and there they could pick up all sorts of berries and mushrooms. One had to constantly choose what to take into the basket and what is better to be left alone. So this forest was called The Election Wood. Come to think of it, you could take a stick instead of a basket, and kill some innocent bird or squirrel there: the choice like any other.
 
So one fine morning it happened that our Red Cap was sent. Who sent her – that question remains open to this day. Some say it was her Mother, the others say it was her Father (in law), or maybe it was her Uncle Vova or Uncle Sam… Or maybe it was God Almighty himself – who knows.
 
Sent she was with a basketful of cakes, jams, candies, and – yes – pretzels, to her Grandma by name People. A strange name, granted. But so it was. People was (only it is strictly among us, children) an old whore, telling all and sundry that she is only twenty years old. And everyone was indulgent to her in that point and in many others.
 
So Red Cap picked up her heavy load and started away through the whole forest. And the farther she went to the East the more wild and dense the forest became. “Something wrong”, thought Red Cap. And it was.
 
Red Cap didn’t know yet that in the eastern part of the Election Wood lived a big scary wolf by name Yanuk. And didn’t know she that Yanuk gobbled up People long ago. Gobbled, but remained unsatisfied. Because People who lived in the East was quite skinny.
 
And you understand, children, that their meeting, Red Cap and Yanuk’s, was inevitable. Yanuk smelled the contents of Red Cap’s basket, and wanted it very much. Do you think he debated with Red Cap? No, it happens only in western fairytales. Without much ado he ate all the tasty things Red Cap wanted to give to People and swallowed our Red Cap herself to boot. So that she could rest at last and have a medical treatment by wolf’s gastric juice.
 
So it went for some time.
 
Once Yanuk was fast asleep under a birch tree and didn’t notice a posse of 37 Brave Hunters who just went by.  They were coming home from an Aquarium where they taught octopuses to use only two tentacles instead of all eight.
 
Red Cap heard them. She wasn’t very good at foreign languages, so she called them in her native tongue, just as does every woman giving birth. (That is if we are to believe one  German-o-Russian spy, temporarily banned on this forum). So she called “Svo-bo-du! svo-bo-du!” And miraculously they understood what she wanted, and started shouting and shooting at the wolf, and he unbuttoned his huge belly, and – lo and behold! – there came out Red Cap and her pretzel, and skinny People, but, sorry, no cakes and jams and candies. Yanuk ran into the forest, and everybody else lived merrily and happily ever after.
 
What about the End of the World, you ask? Well, it didn’t happen. Instead, The End has come to our amusing and truthful story.